Author: Janet Allon
1. Trump clarifies which of Megyn Kelly’s orifices he really meant, which is tremendously helpful.
In a rare backtrack, Donald Trump assured the world that he did not mean to imply that Fox anchor Megyn Kelly was “on the rag” when he said she had “blood coming out of her wherever” on Friday. Well, he did not so much backtrack as make a whiny plea that he was so misunderstood. Trump added that “only a deviant” would think he meant she was menstruating.
Donald’s feelings were just really really hurt when Kelly was so mean to him during the debate. She asked attacky questions and “behaved very badly” he said, being weirdly paternalistic. Why would she do that? He thinks she’s pretty and she’s on his favorite network, after all. “She gets out and she starts asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions,” Trump said during an interview Friday on CNN Tonight. “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. In my opinion, she was off base.”
Now he would like us to believe that by “her wherever” he actually meant her nose. But somehow that word escaped him? Either that or he could not be bothered to list the remainder of non-vaginal orifices, and thought “wherever” would just cover them.
Seems entirely credible to us. It’s not like he has a history of overwhelmingly sexist and misogynist statements and behavior or anything.
Oh, wait. He does.
2. Mike Huckabee wants to remind people that he too is bat-sh*t crazy.
Some GOP candidates have performed obvious stunts to regain the “crazy” spotlight Donald Trump stole from them in the past few weeks. Ted Cruz’s insane video in which he demonstrates his love of bacon and machine guns by cooking his bacon on his machine gun, and Rand Paul’s theatrical chainsaw massacre of the tax code come to mind. But former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee does not need such stunts. He’s the real deal.
In his customary “aw-shucks, I’m just a grit and gun-lovin’ guy” demeanor, Huckabee put his deranged mind on display during the GOP debate. One notable moment was his bizarre tangent on Social Security, which he first described as Gestapo-like, since Americans are “forced” to pay into it against their will. Then, without noticing any logical inconsistency, he proceeded to blame “freeloaders” for the program’s “troubles.”’
“One of the reasons that Social Security is in so much trouble is that the only funding stream comes from people who get a wage,” Huckabee explained. “The people who get wages is declining dramatically. Most of the income in this country is made by people at the top who get dividends and capital gains.”
Just when it seemed that the real issue of economic inequality might have slipped into the GOP debate uninvited, Huckabee explained that the tax-dodgers he meant were “illegals, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers,” and that the whole thing could be solved by the rather ineptly named “Fair Tax,” which taxes consumption.
Confused yet? We are. And so, it appears, is the Huckster, who went on to offer up unhinged theories about how he’ll “invoke the Fifth and 14th Amendments so that we clearly know that that baby inside the mother’s womb is a person at the moment of conception.”
“It’s time that we recognize the Supreme Court is not the supreme being, and we change the policy to be pro-life and protect children instead of rip up their body parts and sell them like they’re parts to a Buick.”
See what we mean about no one doing crazy better?
3. Todd Starnes is sooooo mad at his Fox colleagues for asking all those hard questions at the debate.
Apparently, no one told Fox Newsian Todd Starnes that the debate was not going to be a big ol’ love fest for his favorite Republican candidates, which apparently includes Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Scott Walker.
Starnes unleashed a storm of angry tweets during his network’s event, including:
Truly an upsetting night for a man who thought he was working for an extension of the RNC. Maybe there’s room for him over at that Trump organization.
4. Steve King says we soon may be marrying our lawnmowers.
Iowa Tea Partier Steve King is not running for president, but he definitely has the credentials—if the credentials are being certifiably, well, certifiable.
While many right-wing haters have suggested that legalizing same-sex marriage will free people up to marry children, or multiple partners, or even animals, King envisioned a darker scenario this week. Soon, people will be free to marry their lawnmowers, he said.
It bears noting that he said this at a Mike Huckabee campaign event. The two men share a certain rhetorical flourish.
In King and Huckabee’s nightmare scenario, such is the power of love that will be unleashed across the land by the Supreme Court’s decision to allow same-sex marriage, people will soon declare their love for all manner of inanimate objects, including the tools in their garage (especially the power tools,) and the appliances in the kitchen.
Perhaps now is a good time to confess that we have always harbored secret feelings for our blender.
Huckabee finished his insane rant with a bang.
5. Rick Santorum also brings his crazy to the kiddie version of the GOP debate.
Being consigned to the junior GOP debate did not stop Rick Santorum from flying his flake flag high and proud this week. Santorum rewarded the early shift of GOP Debate Drinking Game participants by offering a triple whammy.
With an assist from debate moderator Bill Hemmer, Santorum was able to mash together abortion, same-sex marriage and slavery, and then compare himself to Abraham Lincoln. That takes some high-flying feats of delusional mental acrobatics. But Santorum proved utterly up to the task.
Hemmer reminded the candidate that abortion and now same-sex marriage are settled law thanks to Supreme Court decisions—those unfortunate byproducts of the Constitution so many conservatives profess to love. Santorum said he begs to differ.
“It is not [settled law] any more than the Dred Scott [decision backing slavery] was settled law to Abraham Lincoln,” Santorum insisted. “This a rogue Supreme Court decision.”
And where does that Supreme Court get off ruling on the constitutionality of a law? (Which is what, of course, the Supreme Court does.)
“We passed a bill and we said, Supreme Court, you’re wrong!” Santorum said, using the appropriate syntax for the kiddie table. “We’re a co-equal branch of the government, we have every right to stand up and say what is constitutional.’”
Take that, Supreme Court.
And drinking game participants, take a double shot!