“September 10, 2011
‘Credible Threats’ Made to US Government
Homeland Security Studying Two-Hour Video from Wednesday Night
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The Department of Homeland Security said today that it was studying several “credible threats” made to the United States government in a two-hour broadcast Wednesday night from a location believed to be the Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California.
Homeland Security spokesman Harland Dorinson said that the Department did not want to alarm the American people, “but whenever you have a group of individuals threatening to dismantle the US government piece by piece, it has to be taken seriously.”
In reviewing the two-hour tape, Homeland Security officials said they found threats to some of the most essential functions of the US government, from Social Security to the Federal Reserve.
While stopping short of saying that the speakers were engaged in some sort of jihad, Mr. Dorinson did note that a tone of religious extremism dominated the video.
“One speaker in particular, seemed bent on rolling back the advances of science and plunging America back into the Dark Ages,” he said.
But the most terrifying moment in the tape came when that same speaker received thunderous applause from the audience after threatening to execute people.
“We’re posting pictures of this individual on our website,” Mr. Dorinson said. “Hopefully he will be captured before he can carry out any of his plans.”